My Ugliest Cakes
From a time before Wicked Goodies, I give you
Highlighting some of the most ridiculous cakes that I have ever made
[BEWARE: photos of X-rated cakes are included]
Alien Birth Cake
This cake topper is from the scene in the movie, Alien, when the baby alien critter bursts out of the sick guy’s chest. This creature was made from marzipan and jello with whittled pine nuts for teeth.
3D Armadillo Cake
I carved this 3D sculpted armadillo out of cake then decorated it in modeling chocolate scales, claws, eyes, ears, nose and tail.
Taking Out the Garbage Divorce Cake
I was given very specific instructions for how to decorate this custom “Taking Out the Garbage” cake in honor of someone’s divorce. I was to include edible trash cans, trash bags, rats, rat poop, McDonalds fast food wrappers, spilled beer cans, a candy cane, and the ex-husband’s legs sticking out of a barrel. I made all the decorations from modeling chocolate.
Berry Blob Cake
I made this berry cake with meringue frosting then left it in the sun for too long.
Mascot Torso Cake
I don’t know which is uglier: this school’s mascot head or my giant cake version of it.
Too Much Garden Cake
The lady who ordered this garden cake for her daughter’s first birthday was firm about how she had better get her money’s worth of decorations “or else.”
Cheesy Wedding Cake
I went through this phase of dressing up cheese wheels to look like wedding cakes. The top tier on this one was kinda stinky! No, the trend did not catch on.
Road to Nowhere Cake
This was my first attempt at a spiral pathway that unfortunately did not lead to the top of the cake as planned.
It was also my first attempt at gumpaste figurines, unfortunately for this lumpy couple. But hey, marriage IS kind of like crazy gluing two mitten hands together.
Ugly Present Cake
Above was one of my first fondant-covered present cakes. Now look how much better I can do it.
Sad Cake Monster
This sad monster birthday cake was not supposed to look monstrous but the white chocolate ganache came out so green and runny that it looked like slime. I improvised by adding two ping pong ball eyes and a blue smile, which gradually ran into a frown. Two lit candles represented the nose.
The rest of the cakes are
so some readers
with more delicate dispositions
might want to bypass the bottom of this page and
Those with heartier dispositions may enjoy
two of the ugliest
in my cake blooper reel
Spooky Nipples Fornicake
Before I mastered the art of edible nipples, I made the above fornicake decorated with two peaches, a chocolate-dipped banana, two marzipan nut truffles, and chocolate shavings.
Wee Prick Cake
Here is another early fornicake with a tiny marzipan pecker on a bed of shaved chocolate pubes.
The birthday boy had to eat it.
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